Birthday thoughts :)

I am just really happy that I'm 18 right now. I feel like my body is finally meeting up with where my mind and heart was this whole time. I was mentally at the "end" of high school since basically the second semester of junior year. It was a great time of distress for me. I felt trapped by my circumstances, trapped by my body. And now God is breaking down my chains, He is breaking down my walls, and setting my feet on a firm rock. I stand with my arms wide open, face toward the wind. Ready.
I always knew this time of my life would be a time of new things happening, a time of being set free from the people that hurt me the most. The people that scarred me the most. That is what this time is about right now, breaking off chains. I am ready to break off from the toxic relationships that held me back for so many years as a child. I see them for what they are, and I know what I must do.
It's a lonely time though, because in the process of breaking off these relationships, I am running on low on present relationships. Lol I don't have a social life, is basically what I'm getting at. It sounds nice, what is a social life? Seriously though, I'm dealing with some feelings I never dealt with about friendships and having the right ones, because I never realized that I didn't have those in my life. I didn't see the toxic relationships for what they were, so I never saw the need to look for ones that weren't.
I hope to go to a new church youth group or something. Not necessarily a new church (I really care deeply for my church family, but right now I am craving a large church family, with wide open arms. My church is more independent. We don't feel like family. We are family, but the intensity is not there.) Now that I'm older, I am able to travel about more freely to find one, too. I am open to new possibilities with that. It feels weird and needy to ask God for more friends, but it's necessary for sure. And He's listening. :)
See, that's another thing. Sometimes things come up that SEEM like an answer to prayer, but are REALLY doorways to sin. I have had to say no to certain relationships that are going to lead me into sin. It seems kind of opposite of what I've been praying for, because I want friendships, so why be picky? But I need to prioritize what God wants over what I want. And I don't say this out of knowing it or having learned it completely, but it is something I die to daily. It is the cross I lift daily. It is not so heavy, though, when you've got the strong arms of Jesus to support me. :)
I don't know what's coming after high school. I have some ideas, but they are faint glimmers. Jesus is already there. He is planning things out, working things out. I can trust Him. I can trust His promises. I can have joy in this. Believe it or not, JOY is found in DYING TO YOURSELF. Yes. JOY. WHAAAT. Didn't think it was possible. But then, God makes all things possible. ;) He is the best Papa a girl could ask for. I am gently held in His arms.
And that's all a girl really needs, right?