Rest

I've been encountering God this week as one who is above all PATIENT with me, and loves me enough to actually WANT to take away my stress and my anxieties. He WANTS to show me that He is greater than anything I could ever be worrying about. He calms my crazy. ;) He is above all GOOD, above all LOYAL, and above all my Savior. I rested in that this week, I really did.
Philippians 4 was a chapter I also camped out in this week. I didn't move much around the Bible except just resting in that chapter. It was a nice, safe space for my soul to stretch it's tired legs and just rest. Relax. B R E A T H E. For once this week, anyway. I don't let myself breathe a lot. I can be my own worst enemy.
Really, though. I take on so many unnecessary burdens, and God was so patient in revealing them to me. I felt freed up to be myself, and to ENJOY my life. Because sometimes, the mountains that I look at in the light of God's presence actually reveal themselves to be the little pebbles they actually are, and they can be kicked away with ease. No problem.
But then, there are times that I look at a situation with God and I still survey it's largeness. And it still looms large over parts of my life that I wish it didn't. I wish it would instantly become a pebble. But that takes time. That takes persistence. Patience, even. Good thing God is patient, because I become restless QUICKLY. The things in my life that don't seem to move, I just have to keep giving over to God, because He can handle them with a sort of calm, yet effective action that I couldn't. Even if it requires my patience, it's okay, because He gives me His. He bestows that wonderful blessing of patience on me so I can have peace. And I do. :) I never realized what a blessing it was until lately. It leaves room for His work to go down deep, and truly affect the parts of me that need changing.
God compared me to a blossoming tree this week, and it was wonderful. It made me feel strong. It made me feel seen. He knows me. He knows who I want to be, and He shapes that. He shapes me. He wants me to be a tree, and to that my heart goes YES.
And you know what else, it made me feel that the high school I've been slaving over hasn't been in vain, and that this will all work for my good in the end. And that I'll become more of the woman God wants me to be. That this season of sowing will turn into a season of plentiful harvest.
I need to believe that the hours I put into my job are not a waste, but are actually helping me. I feel ridiculous when adults ask about my gap year and I say "oh but I'm working all through it-- I have a job" and they ask "where do you work?" and I'm all "uhhh... a pretzel shop!!?! And I'm getting promoted so it's all good..." I can't express it in words, that it is actually ALL GOOD. Sounds like the makings of a college drop-out, but it is the formation of a girl pushing to get her MASTERS in PSYCHOLOGY.
Baby steps. I'm taking baby steps. I could never imagine myself doing this 4 years ago. Even 2 years ago. Crazy. The anxiety that I've overcome, the overwhelming, unavoidable urge to shut down that I've swept to the side. Only by God's grace. This job has done so much good for me. I am moving at the pace my Lord has placed inside of me. This next season will be one of BREATHING. Eighteen, you will be so good. No matter what happens, because GOD IS GOOD. And faithful to you. So faithful.
Be still.
He is God.