Nearness

I'm learning what it means to forgive. To be free. It's not easy to be free. It's easy to release it, yes, but to actually keep it off is difficult. Not because you enjoy the bondage, but rather because you are surrounded daily by an enemy who detests who you are and the potential God has placed so freely within your heart. There is a garden inside of each of our souls. We have beautiful buds, gross-looking weeds, planted seeds, etc... we have thick roots that reach deep down, some that are meant to be there and some that are meant to be dug up. Some roots are weak and shaky, but they are meant to be stronger. Some roots are so comfortable and familiar, we don't even want to dig them up. That's how it is for me. At least, was.
I lived in insecurity for so long, it seemed almost comfortable. It was my life. When I went on the mission trip in 2013, and quickly moved from our 5 year old apartment, it uprooted me from EVERYTHING I was familiar with inside my heart. The issues with my family didn't leave, but I actually saw them now. Something changed in my heart. I saw that things could be different. I saw the potential for change. I never realized that it was there. It NEVER HIT ME. I felt like an idiot, but I also felt scared. I wasn't ready. I never realized because I wasn't ready. God planned it all out. He knew I was ready. My roots were just shaky and weak. But they are growing deeper down every day. That's why I like to look at my cover photo on Facebook right now. Crazy, right? It makes sense to me, though. Deep roots, solid in my identity, yet still connecting with others.
It's hard for me to connect with others. It's part of how I'm wired now. But I refuse to live with that as my identity. The things that happened to me, they are NOT me. I am bigger than them. I stretch beyond. But you know, there is an end to me. To my life. I am not permanent. God is, though. So I decided to give my life to Him. It's a decision I sometimes doubt, but it's more about doubting my ability than His. And that's when He whispers, "it was never about you anyway, darling. I've got you."
I find my truest peace when I hear others opening up, like flowers. I like to listen to other people. It's hard, but I find the truest peace and rest in that. I like seeing their buds opening, blooming. I want a part of that. I WILL have a part of that. God is working on that. I am so excited for my future. I place my future in His unchanging hands.
I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.