I haven't written in a while, and it has showed up on my heart. I worked 30 hours this past week, and it exhausted me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I came up this weekend broken, facing the fact that I was in an orchestra at my church. I had one day to prepare, and another to perform. Today was the day I performed. Tomorrow I go back to work... again. I prayed so long and hard for a job, and it filled me in ways I knew God will provide, but it also has emptied me in ways I didn't expect. I am thankful for the emptiness, because in it I can turn to Him. And that's all He wants. And right now, that's all I can depend on.
The performance went well. I'm facing a lot of fears through it all, though. I never wanted to perform the harp. I still don't. It isn't something I feel would best glorify God. It isn't what I have planned. Yet every time I play, I am surrounded by words of affirmation. And I always took it as flattery before, disregarding it immediately after the words were spoken. But this time, it was different. I cried with my mom yesterday, terrified to share my music with them, terrified to mess up, terrified that I wouldn't measure up. And she said "there is wisdom in the counsel of many."
And it hit me. Wow... a lot of smart, solid Christian men and women compliment my playing. They say I am one with it, that it comes out of me so organically. And it's hard to believe, because as I'm playing it, I feel terrified. My hands don't stop shaking. On the radio this morning, the announcer said something that resonated with me deeply. "Our weaknesses are God's platform to showcase His glory." Or something like that. But the essence of what she said stuck as I played.
I still made mistakes. My hands still shook and I still felt both cold and hot at the same time. But this time, there wasn't an insecurity in my playing. I felt like while other instruments were backing me up, God was also backing me up. I felt so loved by Him, so happy. I'm stepping into new aspects of my identity that I abandoned since I got my job.
A pretzel place doesn't sound very time consuming, but when it is a franchise, in a mall, and with a workaholic boss, it drains me. The fact I'm almost 18 and a good worker also serves for him to push me more. I felt kind of lost there lately. I felt purpose-less. I felt lost, surrounded by workers that were as angry as I was with our boss. I couldn't deny it, but the anger started to eat at me. I felt swallowed up this weekend. I stand with my coworkers as they smoke, talking with them of the negative circumstances at the job, and I felt like a bowl was covering my light this week. I felt hopeless.
The performance helped remind me of my purpose. It was God lifting the bowl, singing sweet words of deliverance over me, and dancing in the fact that I have weaknesses that He can remove. We are lying if we deny our weaknesses, for then what work is there for God to do? Feeling broken this weekend was actually the best thing for me. It was so painful. I'm not even close to finished yet. There is so much more to overcome. And yet it is all God. And He's already won for me. So today, I celebrated that. I can go back to work happy.
I hope they notice the change in me, but that isn't even the most important thing. The most important thing is that I remain close to Christ in the darkest moments. I can't look at their walks with God and ignore my own. Because the more I look at the circumstances, the more I'm going to sink. Like Peter on the water. But if I keep looking straight upward, that's when change will happen, and that's when the Light will shine. Merry Christmas and praise God for FREEDOM :)
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