Someone close to me was really mean to me today. And it hurt, a lot. Not to mention I had plans, was sick, had to cancel the plans because I was sick AND because I wanted to cry. Today was just a draining day. Not my idea of "Sabbath Rest"...
I got prescription medicine in me now, so I can breathe. I watched an amazing sermon from Matt Chandler. And wow... I learned so much. I realized that the bitterness I feel and the anger I feel are real sins, and not something justified by someone else's actions. This may sound too unbelievably obvious to you, but it actually hit me today. Other people's actions do not justify my own. I need to leave room for God's justice, His wrath. I cannot give it out myself. I need to live my identity as beloved, instead of idolizing some future version of myself.
I am loved in the state I am right now. Tired, hurting, and messy. Because the truth is, I'm no longer defined by this. I am defined by righteousness. I am defined by Jesus's death on the cross. When I said that I am not my enemy, that was prideful. I am. I am responsible for the choices I make. I can't blame the devil, or blame my friends, or blame my enemies, my circumstances... I stand condemned by my actions, but redeemed by my Savior.
So, no more secrets. No more lies. I give it all to Jesus. My anger, my hurts. And then I'm free to love. I'm free to make mistakes. I am free from the burden of putting myself first. I can let Him take control. I need His help to forgive. His love heals me and glorifies Himself. I can go to Him without fear, because He wants me to step into more of my true identity. And that brings me unspeakable joy.
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