My life is at it's most stable it has been in years. But I haven't been totally honest with my friends or myself that my heart is NOT perfect. Psalm 34 really convicted me of this, that God is with those who are crushed in spirit and broken in heart. Not that God isn't with us if our hearts our whole, for this is what He desires for us all- to be whole. But, I felt God telling me the importance of being humble. And I haven't been humble. I haven't wanted to open up about what I've overcome, or what I need to keep overcoming in order to survive. Because if it weren't for God, I probably wouldn't be alive. I know things would be different. I know I would be down a dark road. I saw the glimpses and glimmers, and I was terrified of what I saw. I wouldn't have called myself suicidal last year (I hesitate to use the word even, for this is the farthest thing from what I am now. In fact, I would call myself last year 'desperate to be whole', rather than 'desperate to die'), but I would always wonder what it would be like to be "without tears".
Last year was so dark for me. This year has been full of light. It has been such a simple year, too. The only things I can really say happened was that I got a job, and I entered my last year of high school. There is always life to be had, though, and this year hasn't been perfect by any means. But God has me in a state of learning. He is bringing me the wholeness I begged Him for. And I'm thankful.
I went to a park with my sister yesterday and we enjoyed the leaves and colors. Last year I went, I was in such a different place. God has brought so much good out of what I thought were the darkest days of my life.
My life is a consistent walk to wholeness. Even through pain and discomfort. Even through doubts, and fears, and lack of communication with God, He waits and waits patiently. Every day, I offer myself to Him.
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