Mah Life

A lot of things I want to polish in my life. Like my childhood. I can't let a blog post or a glossy retrospective phrase wrap it all up in a neat little box with a bow tied on top. It was messy, growing up for me. Not messier than the average person, I'm sure- we all have scars. But it was messy. I can't deny it. I can't even say I did all I could. I could have done more. Lord knows I could have. I see I didn't know much better, but to say I couldn't have done more is a lie. I could have. There is a gap between who I could have been and who I was.


And what happened to me; it wasn't for my good. It was detrimental to me. The things I heard, the things I saw; I took lies from it. I couldn't see truth. I was blinded. To FINALLY realize the truth last year... well that means living with lies for a while. And to realize that I was, when I thought it was truth, changed my world. It flipped me upside down. It wasn't a beautiful time for me, filled with a lot of Bible reading and prayer and "rejoicing through trial". It was filled with a lot of blank staring on the couch, doodling dark images in a sketchbook, listening to the same Christian CD over and over, and a lot of sloppy tears with painful headaches. You would think that realizing truth would be joyful, but I had sorrow over the lost years. It was painful. I can't sugar coat it.


BUT THROUGH THAT MESS, I can say I had a good childhood. I had fun, I was pretty happy. It was okay. I'm asking God to bring out the good. I know it was there. I'm trusting Him with giving Him my past, and I'm trusting Him with my present trials, and I am giving Him my future. I see glimmers of what it will involve, as you can see from my last post.


I need a heart change, desperately. I see my sinful tendencies, and my ability to give into them, and I need God to take it away. You may look at me and think, "Brianna? No.... she is the sweetest! She wouldn't hurt anyone." Well, I hurt myself more than anyone else. And I hurt God. With unseen heart issues. They are starting to make their way out. God, change my heart. I give you more of me.