In the world; not of the world

I can't trust anyone at my job. The coworkers, I mean. I get what Jesus meant now, to be in the world and not of it. I guess this is how it is supposed to be? Being on the outside, looking in at their world? It all feels so distant and cold, like I should be with them. But I simply can't join them, I can't participate in what they believe and what they discuss. I don't even want to. I see how their deceit is wrapped in kindness, how their words of supposed friendship are words of bait to lure me in. They take what I say out of context. They use my words as fuel for their games. One wrong move, and I could be fired.


The boss likes them. They have been around a lot longer than I have. He trusts them. He doesn't trust me... yet. It will take a while. I have to be persistent. I lost trust with him (already, I know) but it was due to their error, not mine. It was due to their taking my words out of context; my intention was pure, but they tainted what I said and made it sound so unthoughtful.


I'm also learning that silence is golden.


There is a time to speak, a time to listen. I am in the time to listen right now. I've learned that I cannot speak to them as I would someone who attends my church. I need to be cautious, careful, cunning. I refuse to join in with them. I also refuse to blend in with them.


"Don't let them in, don't let them see." No, I want them to see. They HAVE to see. I think they have started to figure out that I'm different. I feel like my "cover" has been blown almost. Yet it's not even a cover. I'm not a spy. I'm a lover of Jesus, beloved and treasured by Him. What they say about Him or me can't change His or my identity. They can know that, they SHOULD know that.


I refuse to give up, even in the face of such direct opposition. I refuse to let myself become discouraged or disheartened by their presence. I will work, harder than any of them. I will do my job, and do it well. I will grow. I will not gossip, I will not spread lies. I will not continue on what they have started. I will break the chain. My boss may not care, my coworkers may not care, but God cares. They can fire me, but they can't take my joy.


I know this all sounds so vague, and fortunately I haven't been there long enough to really run the risk of being "fired". But Thursday was a wakeup call... I can't let them win over me. I will be a light; constant, steady, but not overpowering. I will shine brighter than they ever thought a sampler at Auntie Annes ever could. My heart is set on pilgrimage, for His strength runs through my veins.