I haven't talked much about the mission trip, for personal reasons. It's taken me almost a year to process it all. Hey, I'm slow, what can I say.
Anyway, I see both positives and negatives in how I acted there, but I see that I did what I had to at the time. God was teaching me. Still is. See, I got unhealthily attached to all the people there, and even seeing a picture of them would knock the wind out of me, not joking, because I missed them so much. It wasn't healthy. I didn't know how to stop it.
Don't get me wrong, the trip changed my life. It just wasn't in the one-happy-experience way, and then freedom. It was a long journey.
I never ever had a community like them. Only experiencing that for a week, and being taken out of it so suddenly was a shock on my heart and my mind. I felt disconnected, detached, and my heart was numb for about a few months.
I started to feel more afterwards, but I could easy fall in and out of disconnection. It was mostly the people close to me that set it off. Living with someone that hurts me on almost a daily basis is certainly something that caused those feelings of disconnection to act up. I could zone out to the point of not hearing someone. And I wouldn't realize it. My mind would shut down. I was forgetful, I was distraught, and my prayers felt empty.
Yet now after some time to pause and focus, and pray to God, I've found redemption in Him, instead of others. The biggest thing that helped was restoring my relationship with my mom. There was broken trust with her, and for that to be resolved restored more of my trust in God, too. We have a healthy, happy relationship, and I am so thankful to find a friend in someone I can also respect. We have drawn boundaries in all the right places, and I am glad that we can love each other in such a healthy and mature way.
I guess I got kinda cray-cray, you know? lol. Seriously though, I pounced on God's gift and sucked it dry, and was sad when it wasn't there. I didn't prepare myself for the inevitable end of it. I wasn't kingdom minded, I was earthly minded. I looked to the people, instead of my Jesus. Quiet time was a drag some days, but so many good things happened, too.
I gave up my fear of marriage. Whatever God wants.
I gave up my fear of having kids. I love children. Having my own is a different story. Still giving up my dreams for the future.
I was thinking of working at McDonalds, and was so close to having it happen, but God had other plans. Now that a new, even better opportunity is opening up, I am constantly giving it back to God. Whatever He wants.
I gave up my fear of going on a real diet. After losing 15 pounds in 6 months, I've kind of plateaued. But now with the warmer weather, I can go out and run again. Those walks and runs helped me reconnect sooo much.
I shared my testimony. Honestly, I was so nervous, I don't remember half of what I said. I remember a lot of clapping, a lot of blurred vision, and a lot of talking about fear. My heart felt like a sponge being rung out, and it was intense. Amazing. Me, public speaking!
God is loving. God is merciful. God is good.
To everyone.
I love Him.
Lord, make me better, but keep me humble.
I'm glad I felt led to blog about it today. The trip wasn't what I expected, but it kick started a journey into a consistent, healthy walk with God, and a new found appreciation for my parents.
Yes, my life is good. Because He is sovereign!
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