Christmas

I'm just going to jump right in to what I want to talk about. At the Christmas Eve service, I flirted with this guy I like a lot. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but that is something I never do, nor do I ever usually want to do. I've been having desires lately for a boyfriend, or some guy in my life, and I don't even know where it began. Maybe from the holidays being stressful or something, I don't know. Either way, he didn't seem to enjoy it, so by the end of the service, I felt all flustered instead of joyful for the Christmas season.
I still inwardly chide myself for acting the way I did, but at the same time, acting upon those feelings I had made me relate a lot more to other girls who do a lot more than flirt with guys.
I don't say this to sound like a goody-two shoes for picking out this one area I did wrong in, for I understand girls who think this way a lot better now! However, I see the attitude behind it, and I have a grateful heart for how Jesus restores us! The attitude behind flirting with a guy is worse than actually doing it. Flirting basically says where you are isn't good enough, and the Lord must have put you in the wrong spot, so you are going to make something happen that isn't really there. I believe the man should initiate most romantic gestures, so I guess that's why I put it harshly. I realized how I wasn't finding my deepest security in God, so on Christmas morning, I woke up and gave my heart to Jesus... again. My life never left His hands, but sometimes I forget, and I recommit to give my life and heart to Him. It was a sweet moment.
I know I may have consequences to deal with from my actions, but I trust God to direct any future interactions with the guy I flirted with in the right direction. Obviously not in a relationship of a romantic foundation, but of simple friendship. Deep down, I never wanted a romantic relationship with anyone! I was longing for a deeper relationship with God, and looking for it in the wrong place.
When the true desire for a relationship comes, I'll know. In the mean time, 2014 is a year of rest... resting in Him!
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181 days since the mission trip... wow. It's been a crazy 181 days! Can't be more glad this year is ending. I'm so ready for new things to come.