Food Lovin'

I want to be body positive. I want to be able to say that I accept what I look like and the way my body is shaped. The way my body curves is GOOD. No matter how much I say it, I can't believe it. You know, people accept their bodies and then want to stay there. They get comfortable with the state they are in; they see acceptance as comfort. Acceptance is love, and love allows people to become better. And I want my body to become better.

I'm going to be honest. My stomach does this thing where instead of getting wider it sticks out more. I look pregnant at times. Most times. Okay, all the time. I want to suck it in whenever I catch a good glimpse. Any times I catch a glimpse, it is always sucked back in.
It takes up so much space. It reminds me of my lack, and how I have found comfort in food for the past two years and have put on over 20 pounds in the last year. I am ashamed of this. I am ashamed of my shape. I don't like how my belly is shapen. I'm sure this saddens God even more than it saddens me.

I didn't think God cared about any part of how my body looked until today, that He just made me the way I am with putting more thought on the inside than the out. That may be true, but He put a lot of thought into creating such diverse humans. He knew this time would come, He knew my stomach would stretch. He knew I wouldn't like it. Yet He made it anyway. Isn't that significant? I think so.
I think He wanted me to know that beauty is not defined by the circumference of a stomach, or the bony-ness of my ankles in comparison. He gave me this "thorn in my side", this weakness of mine that I can't stand, to portray a different kind of beauty. Christ's beauty. His personality and His grace. His kindness and His love.

I get the likes on Facebook and Instagram selfies, but apparently that isn't good enough for me. Who is to say that will be enough when I DO have a smaller stomach? So you see, I don't depend on their opinion for feeling valued. The only opinion that matters to me, apparently, is mine. Even if it seems like other peoples opinions bring you down, that's only because YOU let them bring you down. So if I don't like what I see now, I never will. I need to accept myself at my worst FIRST.

So, anyway, back to the whole loving your body thing. I guess I've been scared to do that because I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to stay where I'm at, and I thought love was comfort. Love is the LEAST comfortable thing we can put into action.

I'm loving my body when I pick a healthy snack over an unhealthy one.

I'm loving my body when I listen to whether or not I'm REALLY hungry, and drink more water instead.

I'm loving my body by denying myself.

I'm loving Jesus by denying myself.

I don't think that loving my body is at all like loving Jesus, no! I just see that love involves denying yourself. Even if it means loving yourself. Accepting where you're at, moving on, and not beating yourself up when you make a mistake. I am sOOOOO thankful Jesus doesn't beat me up when I make a mistake.

I'm sorry I made a long post about something as narcissistic or selfish as my body, but this is where I'm at right now, and I'm trying my hardest not to be ashamed of that.