Cornerstone

God has really been healing me lately of a lot of mental battles and insecurities I've been having with myself. Let's just say I've been struggling with it for years, and to finally FINALLY be free from it is astounding. Even if these struggles were to come back, to know that freedom is even a possibility is enough to drive me to tears. God has really been faithful these past few months, and I wish I could say so have I. I'm reaching back to Him now, and I love Him more and more each passing day. He brings excitement to the supposedly "boring" of my life, and I love that about Him, how He makes each day exciting and memorable.

For a while I was depressed over missing my team, and the obvious excitement of each day. Caring for 3-5 year olds for 6 hours a day had a whole HOST of exciting things!! Coming back home to an empty summer was saddening, but it gave me a lot of time to deal with issues that needed to be faced. And still need to be faced, but like I said, to a lesser degree.

I felt like I missed my team more than they missed me, and that made me really insecure. I wanted to write them all of the time and tell them that I was facing these issues and I wanted them to be proud of me. But I, like, just realized that God is proud of me. ;) And that makes me so grateful.

It's scary to admit that I miss my team less than I did, but I guess it means I'm moving on? I never wanted to lose touch and I never wanted to be independent. I thought that would mean I was "boring" or that I wasn't interesting without these insecurities or these quirks of mine. The incredibly humbling thing I've realized is that I will ALWAYS be dealing with SOME insecurity or problem in my life. Life is never going to be this flawless motion, in any season of my life, and if it is, I should probably be bracing myself for the next trial, because life and I are pretty acquainted, and I know the next trial doesn't wait to come around!

In all seriousness, though, I do believe it's important to talk with just God about any problems you may be facing. It's good to pray "with the door closed," is what I think the translation says. Lately the hole in my heart from the lack of my team has been more full, and I've been sooo much happier.

Memories would come before I would sleep and become so vivid and real they would shake the sleep from me, to the point of almost tears. The trip was the biggest turning point in my life for me, ever. I am not exaggerating; every aspect of my life changed in some way after that trip. Every lesson spoke to my heart so specifically, I think the team must have thought I was faking, all the times I cried or got really quiet. I just couldn't tell them how much they changed my life, and I wish they knew, how much they helped me become more secure in myself, and more secure in God.

Not that I am putting trust in self, but I believe God has given me ability, and now that I believe He has the power to give me this ability, I can move forward into more challenging things I never wanted to give myself because I didn't believe I could, or even that I was worth it. I've lost a few pounds from dieting, and I've been working a lot harder in school. I've generally been a more positive person and I feel more open to connect with a wider variety of people!

So yes, there were positive benefits, but I missed the people and that stayed with me for over a month. Just lately I've felt more independent and less dependent on them. I am standing on the Rock of my salvation, and I can't help but thank all 8 of those incredible people that pulled me back up, when I was resting on Him, utterly broken for so long. My faith is becoming more action, and I pray this doesn't stop. Ever. He holds the path to Life, Life here on earth is possible!! I believe this now!!

May Christ continue to be the cornerstone to my life.