Day Thirty.... Two?

Yep! I am pretty sure it's day 32. :D

Okay, I am going to be completely honest. Mentally and emotionally, I have felt dead these past 2 months.
Nothing. Nada. Zip.
There were times of it that it was me, and other times, it was just... happening. I couldn't stop it. And that's okay; it's okay to feel sad because of your circumstances. You know I was struggling in April. However, the circumstances passed, and that sadness turned into apathy; it started crippling me. That's wrong.
I've been pretty self-centered (introverted is a kinder word) lately, focused on this one doubt of mine. I've struggled with it for about 2 years or so.
I know that you may be reading this, thinking that maybe I haven't seemed it; that I've been acting normal. That I'm being too hard on myself, that I'm being too "religious."
I thought so, too, which is actually pretty freaking self-centered of me.
This isn't a huge epiphany, I don't think. But it is something that I have been struggling with that is starting to be resolved, finally.
I am a new creation. I am beloved in God's eyes. I am holy, and dearly loved to Him. He wants me to give up my wicked ways, to follow Him completely and to be like He is. He has amazing grace for me.
Even saying these things, my mind remains foggy. My heart makes a beat or two in response, and then grows silent. I've grown apathetic, and that is really scary for me to say.
Some people go through these times where they are stripped of all feeling of God being there, to experience Him in a new way. As for me, I am like 80% sure this isn't some deep, spiritual experience. This is me, being apathetic.
The last time I read my Bible seriously? Met with God in prayer? You guys, I am a mental wreck, yet I look completely normal.
And that kills me.
So I am being honest and sharing my feelings publically, unfortunately for me. I just want to write this down, to never forget this. I am going to make some changes.
Also, I now know it doesn't matter what happens these next 32 days, just as long as Jesus is with me through it. I will run to Him, let me tell you this.