I am my Beloveds: His desire is for me

This has been a rough season, this whole month of April, and I’m not totally sure it’s over. It may be, it may not be, but for now I have come out of this feeling more grateful for God’s constant work and protection in and over my family, even when I had no feeling of Him there.

People tell you that circumstances aren’t a reflection of God’s love, but they need to include that feelings are not a reflection of His love either. When emotion and security was gone, all that was left were His promises. I clung to them, harder than I have ever in my life. I am not going to make myself sound perfect here, though. See, there were times I asked why, and times I indulged into self pity. This has shown me my completely imperfect nature. This has also shown me more of God’s grace. These two things have produced a lot of humility, but also a lot of confusion.

This has also showed me my complete desire to be perfect as God is perfect. I cannot be perfect, yet I desire to. And yet I do the things I hate (I hope that makes sense). You see my struggle? It’s the struggle of every Christian. I realize I am not home here.

I have some regrets as to how I have handled it, but at the same time, I see how God has been strengthening me. I have grieved the Holy Spirit at times, and I am in repentance, which is not a pain-free experience. I pray I savor the lessons, the sorrow, and the abundance of blessings found in the small things of life.

To get into some life-details, we moved last Monday. It was crazy and intense. We had McDonalds for breakfast—not the healthiest choice, but I love going out for breakfast!! The movers came right after, packed up our things and unpacked them in about an hour or so, which left a lot of time for unpacking… I took lots of pictures of the process and the empty rooms (they didn’t know of course. ;)) It was sad, but not too sad. It didn’t feel like home anymore, so it was relatively easy.

I thought I injured my leg; it was hurting all day and some of the next, but it went away on day 3. Must’ve pulled a muscle or something; I am SO glad that went away, thank you God.
I thought I had a cold (still do) but it’s been improving. I’ve been feeling happier and my thinking has been clearer. :]

Unpacking has been alright. A lot of cleaning had to be done; we moved in early, before the place was officially ready. The landlords were very nice, letting us move in early. It’s nice helping them out, too. It feels more like ours this way. And I love my new room. ^_^ My harp is in there. I practice more now! x) Found a lot of great music.

My birthday is in three days, and I am so excited! My 16^th year of existence is going to be a good year, no matter what. It’s not a matter of what happens, but how I respond to it. I am going to IHOP for breakfast on the day, but cake and presents will be later in the month. I am definitely getting a phone; hopefully the LG840G!! At first I wanted an iPhone, but pretty much everyone over the age of 12 has one…. I don’t want to live on my phone, either, and with an iPhone, I probably would. xD

Starting an old/new (my dad had the copy, and I just found it now) 1-year devotional book from Charles Spurgeon on my birthday; I think that will definitely make my 16^th year of life even better. ^_^ I’ve read some, and it’s so inspiring and poetic; so beautiful. Spurgeon was a great man! I’ll probably understand more of it as I get older, but I understand enough so that it has really enriched my morning. Not many 16 year olds read Spurgeon, I know. Hopefully I'm not shunned for my desire to read good books. >.> Either way, I'm loving it. xD