...

I broke my Lent promise yesterday.

I have no excuse whatsoever. I learned that I lie to myself a lot, that I buy into these lies, and I convinced myself it was for my good to go on those blogs, that I’d be able to handle it, and I’d incorporate all I have learned into my lifestyle.

I couldn't handle it.

Becoming my own person and not relying on other people to define myself is working for me, until I go on these dumb blogs. I don’t know why I do this to myself, when I have such a higher calling from Jesus. I am such a hypocrite sometimes.

I am so thankful He forgave me, and I am washed clean in His blood. My heart is heavy from the weight of shame, however. I guess you could say this showed me that Lent is not about dying to self. It’s more about resurrecting. It’s about living in the reality of His resurrection. There is freedom in forgiveness.

Dying to yourself is hard, but it’s not hard when you don’t rely on yourself. If you rely on yourself to die to yourself, then that becomes a cycle that will never be broken.

I have realized that life is not a race. To reach the point where I take the first step into my future, that is going to be a lot of steps. Besides, I am actually living the future from where I was when I started this post. Life is a lot like running a race, but you focus on each step and make sure it’s in line with the path. You don't start without a plan of how to reach the end.

And remember who you’re running for, because if you’re not running for God, there is no point to this life. 

I am going 6 weeks still. The end date will just be further off than planned. No giving up, it's time I depend on God.