Reflection

It's been 10 months since I've had this blog, and I have 100 blog posts, which means I have made 10 blog posts a month.
@_@ That is way too many!! WAY too many.

Y'all know I've wrestled with not posting on here for a while, but I always went back to it. But I think my journey with this blog is basically done... you know? This could be a blog for my 14th-15th year of life... something to definitely be remembered.

I remember in January of last year, I was so excited to have this blog... I would sometimes think throughout my day if this was "worthy" to blog about. xD That passed quickly, and I posted short posts almost daily. But they were pointless. A lot of them were emotional... even if none of them were really that great, they mean a lot to me now, looking back. This year was a good year for me, a GREAT year. 2012 was really good.... yeah, I'm happy. My only regret is that it all went so quickly.

I was just starting up my personal relationship with God when I began this- it had been 2 months. I would post about doubts and struggles. I read BUNCHES of the Bible- I read the book of Daniel in one sitting. @_@ But I felt obligated and guilty and worthless without doing that. I won't say it wasn't enjoyable, but it was pointless. And stressful. God wants me to enjoy my time with Him, and I do now... so very much.
A lot of tears were shed those first couple of months. Confusion, anger towards myself, and sorrow...
Oh, I remember the first time I felt joy. Weird, right? xD It's a great memory. It was one of the first times I just poured out my heart to God in repentance. I thought it was physical pain- like I had something going wrong in my chest! I was so worried! xD But then I realized what this was, and was soon overwhelmed and happy. Just so... content. :) I never felt that kind of happiness before. It is so much more satisfying, and it lasts muuuch longer. HE is much more satisfying.

I remember when I would depend on blogs for spiritual nourishment... that's changed, too. I was so desperate for Him, so desperate. That left for a while, but that same feeling of longing has returned. :) I wish I knew how to show that in a way that is unoffensive to others.

I remember in January, getting braces. Ahh, that was painful. xD

February and March were the hardest months for me spiritually. But even now, rewards are being reaped from then. :] I stopped reading the Bible, and just... honed my talents, I guess. I worked on art, I read other things, I had fun computer activities, etc... and it was nice. It was a time to clear my head. It was then I started to actually long for the Bible, and not just read it out of guilt.
My feelings of condemnation are almost gone... there are days that are worse than others. But now I recognize them as attacks from the enemy, and it's His good pleasure to show love on me. ^_^ And now it's mine to give some back to Him.

I've wanted to be a missionary for a while, but it was during camp in August that I felt called to be a missionary, along with 5 others. From various things, I just feel such a confirmation from God. I can't imagine living my life anyway else, seriously. I can't imagine this NOT being from Him... Praying hard He will control this dream of mine.
I will follow His leading for today, though. I don't need to know my 10 year plan. The future is just that... the future. ;) Thank you, God, for an incredible year.

I remember just recently, in September, thinking I couldn't be more in love with God... that is so false! x) I am much more in love with Him than then, and I am so thrilled to think there is more, from even this point.

So next year will be different. I know it will. God and I will go so much deeper, and He will lead me in new directions and paths. I will say hello to new friends and goodbye to some as well. I will make mistakes, but have my Redeemer waiting for me. I will try to do so many things-- even if I mess up, at least I can say I tried. So excited to see that God will do so much more.

Got way off track there. xD So um... I think I'll maintain this blog next year, but post less. I want to live more-less on the computer. Less electronic time. More Jesus time. More, more, more. Less talk, more action. I want that.

Adios!