It's been over two months of my gap year and it's been crazy. About three weeks of it has been spent sick with some sort of illness, which has NOT been fun. I hate just sitting like a zombie on the couch, watching T.V. and waiting for the coughing-fits to end. I am so excited to get better and to have more energy to do more than just blog.
I have been striving lately-- I haven't been resting in grace. My life is kind of summed up in this quote by J.S. Park:
Please do not allow your mood to determine your entire value as a person. We get tired. We get cranky. We have doubts, frustrations, questions. And Jesus welcomes you graciously, the exhausted cranky doubtful you, and he will give you rest for your weary bones.
You might think there’s some kind of “awesome version” of you hidden inside your skin, and maybe you feel like you’re always two steps behind trying to catch up to some experienced mature mold of you — but Jesus loves you, right now, unconditionally. It’s only this kind of pure love that will ever penetrate deep enough to actually bring about change in your heart, and even then, we must not be so hard on ourselves in this journey.
Believe me: the seasons change. Feelings fade. Life goes on. Endure the late-night twitch and don’t beat yourself up. Let go of harsh self-evaluation. No matter how you feel, be kind and pray anyway. The same grace that you show others: have some grace for yourself too. And before you know it, you will be further along down this path without even hardly trying. The moment you quit trying to improve and simply rest in Christ, you’ll move forward.
From work to play to everything in between, I have just been seeing all of my downfalls and getting really frustrated with myself. And I take out that frustration on others, which makes me more frustrated, which makes me more depressed, and it is just a vicious cycle of not living out my true identity as God's child. So this quote was a great wake-up call for me to really just rest in who I am right now, and who God is. And see that the things I do right now are not the end of me, but a beginning.
I am not working for earthly goals, but for heavenly ones. I have been setting my eyes on earthly things, like getting my license, or getting promoted at work, or becoming a better artist, or feeling NO EMOTIONS. I mean, emotions are LIFE. I have been avoiding life lately. Being sick hasn't helped. I am ready to face a new day, resting in Christ. That takes effort. And right now, that is the only thing I should be striving for. Jesus says himself, "seek first my Kingdom, and all will be added to you as well."
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