One of my wonderful best friends (thanks Jamie ;)) sent me a wonderful new book (Captivating).... and it is hard for me to read! Not that I have vision problems...I just always rejected femininity or the thought of it. It all felt so fake to me. I was called a boy growing up my entire childhood. It stopped at 14 (didn't help I developed late) And I guess that did more than I realized on me..... I never considered myself feminine. Dresses were always worn as a defense against people calling me a boy. I remember this one time, I wore a pastel pink shirt, with rainbow striped pants. I was called Tiff's younger brother that day... It was unending.
I guess it was my hair? I always liked it shorter. My mom liked it shorter on me, and so did I. I never really had an opinion about it. I never cared how I looked. (Who truly does much younger than 10?) I just didn't want to look like a boy. I wanted to play with boys, I didn't want to be one. I wanted them to laugh with me. I didn't want them to laugh at me.
Getting older, I started caring. I didn't tell anyone. My mom could tell, I believe. I wanted so badly to feel pretty, I begged my mom to buy me a ball dress for my 10th birthday. She obliged. She really loves me. It was pink and gorgeous. I still have it. I wore white platform shoes with it. That is the only time I really remember feeling confident during my childhood. Don't get me wrong, I felt pretty at times, but to feel really confident in my beauty was something new.
I only started growing my hair out in the winter of 2012. It was a choice I made solely on my own desire to. People would start to comment and say hey, you should, I bet it would look pretty. But that only delayed my decision. After a few months of silence, I decided to go for it. Simply because I wanted to start enjoying my crazy hair texture.
And I do. But so did so many other people. And the attention was overwhelming. From my sister, especially. Being the recipient of her vocal disproval of my hair, her new positive attention was very unsettling. I told her so, and she simply said, "But you were ugly then. You're pretty now."
I'm convinced that I was pretty then. I was like a flower.... but a closed up one. I blended in. I never wanted to stand out. So I didn't.
And I'm also convinced from reading what I have of Captivating that it's the heart behind a woman that makes her feminine, not her hair. I plan on cutting my hair short again (maybe not THAT short, but short, definitely).... but I plan on never hiding behind a dress. I plan on wearing one that reflects my inner purity and beauty, one that I can feel pretty in.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I never really gave much thought to what truly separated a woman from a man. I always thought it was the hair. That's what everyone told me, and that's why I never felt confident in a dress. Even talking to my friends about this, I realize I have been focusing on the similarities. The culture today emphasizes feminism, and equality with men and women, when there ARE differences that can't be overlooked. I guess I've been overlooking them... woops.
Anyway, awesome what I've learned in the first 1 and a half chapters! I am so thankful for generous friends who care so deeply about me. :) I am blessed!
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