The biggest thing I've been learning now is how unrighteous I am of myself. And how that makes me so sad, that so many things I do during the day make the heart of God sad beyond comprehension. And sometimes, I don't even act like I care. And if that doesn't sound bad to you, know that you have been there at least once in your life, whether you knew it or not. Please have mercy as you hear me sort through things. :)

I don't feel good. I don't feel righteous. There are parts of my flesh that are still killing me, threatening to drag me down to the very bottom. And I'm scared. Scared that it will succeed. What is stopping it?

The Holy Spirit.

I am filled with the Holy Spirit. He does not force Himself onto me, though, which forces me to be conscious of my choices. I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive... I need to remind myself of that. That the choices I make aren't made because I have control, but are made because He is the One in control. For so long this whole free will thing became about what I can do and what choices I can make, but now I see it all stemming from Him, and I want that more and more. I feel so dirty, yet His love makes me clean. I am washed whiter than snow. I am beautiful in His eyes, a princess, beloved. How DARE I ever say no to Him?

Sometimes I think I can't possibly be a Christian. The flesh has taken a strong hold lately. And since yesterday was Ash Wednesday, that says a lot, too. I realize now the importance of giving more of myself to Him. He literally died for me. How can I refuse this love?