Summer Blues

Lately if I go too long without talking to someone about my life, it doesn't seem real. I think if I write about my summer, it will seem more real. I'm struggling to get the words out, and I don't know why. Just bear with me as I stumble through this blog post.

I have been home from my mission trip for a month and a day, and it has been a crazy 32 days, let me tell you that. The whole trip was crazy. I can't believe it happened. I miss everyone so much, and at the same time I don't want to miss them. For the first week of being home, I was a mess. Okay, I'm still a mess. But at least I can acknowledge it now.
I wish they lived closer to me; they live in New Jersey. I'm thankful I get to visit them at least a little, but I still miss them. I really connected with each specific one in a beautiful specific way.
I am enjoying being home, and resting in God's presence. Only in Him do I feel at true peace. This longing for my team can only be satisfied in His presence, because I can't see my team. And I am satisfied in Him, I do find that peace in Him more than I used to. I am still moving forwards though, breathing in more of His beautiful, restful Spirit.
The biggest thing I learned about moving forward is making peace with what is behind. I always thought it was running as fast as you can away from your emotions and feelings, and trying to catch up with the newest thing in your life and trying to feel only good things about that, and... and... -.-
It's way to overwhelming. So I'm making peace with what is behind right now, and let me tell you, that is not easy. That is hard. Very hard. I can use big words about it, because it is big. I'm not going to shrink it down anymore.
For so long I've wanted to be small. I haven't had much of a voice growing up, so when opportunities came to speak, I didn't take the chance. Even now. So I'm done making things smaller than they are. Because when I shrink down the darkness in life, I am shrinking the opportunity for light to make it's way in. I am filling myself with emptiness, and that is wrong. So I'm speaking truth now. Jesus and I are making it right.

I am nervous for the school year. Algebra 2, semester 2, looks awfully large from this angle, and so does World History. Those were my two worst subjects. I sort of liked Algebra, but I didn't understand it. It was all a blur. I hated the phone calls with my teacher - not because of my teacher, but because I hate working on a problem when I can hear her breathing in my ear. And knowing I'm timed.
World History is so unpredictable, so I definitely like Algebra 2 better. You never know specifically what you are going to be graded on; even the study guides are vague. Yikes. Why did I have to take it. I took World Geography in the 8th grade, and that was a disaster. American History was sort of okay in the 9th grade, but even that was sort of challenging.

I am knitting, drawing, reading, writing, making music, walking, and running. Why does summer have to end?