Fiiiirst of all, I was prideful. I thought that God saw me as all of these lovely things. Sure I'm loved and holy in His eyes, but I was using that to hide some hidden sins from Him. And that was wrong. I've been working on clearing those up- but it's hard, when you've been holding these lies around for a while.
I was also holding onto the idea, that if it feels good, it must be right. I was holding onto the idea that my prayers should always be joyful- but there is so much that I wasn't telling God through that. No desperate prayers from me, when I needed to be desperate. Desperate for mercy. Desperate for grace.
I'm not a "good" person, and while it may seem that way to some, I'm not. No one is good, not even one. Only God is good, and can be good through them. That's why I want to make myself less and Him greater.
I have been dying to myself for a while now. I know it's only been 2 days, but it feels like 2 weeks. @_@ It's exhausting, but I've had a sense of peace, that I haven't had in ages. It's always been the joy when I pray, but there was so much pride. So much. I'm basically a 1 year old in Jesus, and I have lots to learn yet. And this blog sometimes makes me look like a big shot, like I have it all figured out. And I don't. I want to, but I don't.
God has allowed me to flip-flop in Algebra 2 for this reason... I'd have to write a lot more for you to get that, but it's true. I'm just happy it happened. I can't believe I'd say that, But He's been putting this into my life that have made me see that I'm not as great as I thought I was, and I need some maturity. And some clarity. And I got a little bit more of both.
As much as I want to delete the last couple of posts, I'm not. Something to look back on. I wasn't wrong- God sees me as His daughter. But He also saw what I was hiding from Him, and He saw me using His grace as an excuse to let a lot slide.
Oh, as for conquering fear, this whole month of December is filled with things I'm pretty scared of- to name a few, an oral test I need to get a 100 on or else I can't move on, and 2 harp recitals. Plus a lot of busy weekends which I am not a fan of all of the time. He is stretching me. And I'm glad, for once.
Look, I am just going to take a while off of this blog- a lot longer than originally planned. Because I need to guard my mouth before I post on here, because boy, have I been wrong.
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