I have a cold right now. It's starting to be one. I'm at the point where my head is all heavy and I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. Am I the only one who has that? Probably... I don't know why, but that's always the first few stages of my cold. God's helping me through the fear, though. ^_^
No trick or treating. Eh, I'm probably too old for it anyway. xD
I started my new course at my new school, and it's awesome. But I am a bit scared of the assignments as well as my teacher. xD I know, it doesn't sound pleasant, but it's not what you think. It's a GOOD kind of fear. The tests are set up where I can't leave the browser or even change tabs or else I'll get a 0. Of course I can ask my teacher to reopen it, but when I accidentally hit the backspace key, trust me, it gave me a fright. o_o She was good about it, I guesssss.... But she wants me to call her Doctor Dove, and not Mrs. Dove. Doctor Dove just doesn't sound right to me! @_@
But anyway, I loooove how the courses are set up and I took a screenshot of one of my assignments. Not a test, or else I would get a 0, but yeah, pretty cool. ^_^
I think God led me to this school so I could stop my constant frittering on websites. At least that's cured!
God showed me Sunday something really powerful, but also humbling.... that I have a spiritual gift! All believers do, but I thought He was holding out on me because I'm not of age. I'm glad I realized how stupid that was. My gift isn't speaking in tongues, or of supernatural faith, but of the gift of encouragement. I had no idea that was an actual spiritual gift until Sunday! My closest friends have told me I am very encouraging to them, but I didn't realize that was a spiritual gift, I just thought it was my personality.
It made me happy, but it also saddened me, because I wanted a spiritual gift that was obviously from God, like the gift of tongues, or the supernatural faith... but reading Forgotten God (by Francis Chan) made me see that the Holy Spirit isn't for us to guide, but we are to be guided by Him. And maybe God hasn't given me real obvious gifts because He knew how prideful I would be with them. Maybe He knew I could be a real great encourage-r to someone, even if they never tell me so. God can use me to break down walls for people, and I can use my gifts for His glory, and He can allow people to see by the power of His Holy Spirit that encouraging someone is setting them free from their own personal chains and that they can be set free and worship Him in the end. I wonder if God wants me to be a psychologist, you know? A therapist. Maybe that's what. Hmmm... I'll have to pray about that one.
I am enjoying resting in truth and not experience. I have had God touch me and fill me with peace and joy, but it hasn't stuck with me. It's only when I'm actually in His presence, reading or praying, so I think He's trying to tell me to be in His presence more, and not just think about Him through the day.
Lately God has brought up fearing Him more... but a good kind of fear. :] I've been feeling a lot of fear lately, but I don't know if it's all good. I know now, that God is so infinite and I am so finite, and my life is a breath... for some people that's a scary thing to realize. But it's a good fear, because it allows us to put all of our trust in God because He knows better than we do about all of the stuff going on in our lives. It brings tears to my eyes, because through all of the fear of this cold and the nightmares, and all of the bad things that go on in life, like death and fires from horrible hurricanes, God is GOOD. And we can trust that, because we can reflect on what He has done in the past. And if there hasn't been good in a while, we read His Word. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read until we've read the whole thing and are exploding with the incredible reality that God is infinitely better than circumstances! And we will never measure up, never ever. And accepting that is scary. But in a good way. :)
I did all of my daily activities through the storm, and it just kept going and going, and I don't know why that surprised me. It's stupid to say it out loud, but it did surprise me. I guess I thought it all depended on circumstance. Inside, I didn't feel angry like the winds outside. I didn't feel like crying, like the clouds. I felt in the state of the calm before the storm, except it was a calm with a hint of unrest, like you know something bad will happen.
But the bad was already here, and I still had the feeling, and it surprised me. Then I realized I may not feel God, I may not feel His love and presence, but it's there, and He is just waiting for me to lift up my head and see past the clouds and worship Him through this. He is good, He is good, when there is nothing good in me. I get that now... at least, I have a taste of it. Day by day.
I know I'm rambling, and none of this makes sense, but I haven't shared a piece of my heart on here in ages, and I want my future self to know this is where I am at right now. And I am quite alright with that, even if there is a hint of unrest. Because God is good. And fear burns beneath His loving gaze.
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